Easter Reflections

After spending several weeks in Lent, reflecting on the Passion of Christ, it is so joyous to now be in the season of Easter!!! The past week -- Holy Week -- brought me time to contemplate a bit more deeply the Gift of Salvation.

I took Good Friday off from work as a personal day. (For some time now, it is politically incorrect to have Spring Break tied with Easter.) I began the morning first by taking my dog (aka "THE BEAST") to the vet for her annual check-up and shots. Then, I went with two friends to a special Good Friday event at my "new" church. It was like the 12 Stations of the Cross, but in a modern light. Later that evening, my friends and I sang at the "old" church's Good Friday services. Saturday was filled with long rehearsals in preparation for Easter services.

For several years, I have joked about my being "spiritually ADD." I continue attending church, although with about as much enthusiasm and passion as one does with regards to a fitness regime -- I do it, because it's good for me. But, this past year, I've been taking steps to bring me more focused on my faith in and relationship with God. I figured that, like any relationship, if you want to save it and improve on it, you have to take an active role.

My spiritual malaise started years ago when I got divorced. My faith got me through the initial shock and recovery, but the whole ordeal left me feeling like the survivor of a shipwreck who finds himself washed up on some shore of an island -- exhausted, bruised and battered, nearly drowned, but grateful to be alive. I have continued on, always with God on my mind, but so terribly distracted by things in life and wanting to be in control. I have likened myself to a little toddler in her Daddy's arms. I know God holds me close, but I am always looking and reaching for other things, ignoring His protective and loving embrace.

Luckily, my new church has given me the push I needed. Being in a new environment and no longer faced with those I found frustrating and uncaring at my old church home, I feel freer and more open. Having gone through the new members' class, which included a bit of a "recovery session" for those burned by previous church experiences, I did a lot of "soul searching." At the same time, the weekly sermons brought home some very deep insights. And, again, the Good Friday event brought home more insights for me.

What I've learned these past few weeks:
1) Holding on to anger and not forgiving is not only exhausting, but is also like poison to the soul;

2) I am much like the handicapped man lying alongside the pool of Bethesda (John 5). The man was so obsessed with getting into the pool to be healed, that he missed The Healer standing right in front of him. Or, picture the Roman guards who cast lots for Jesus' robe, not realizing who hung above them. I, too, become so fixated on things, that I surely must be missing God right in front of me;

3) Perhaps my biggest barrier to a deeper faith is fear -- Am I afraid that the Bible will, like other things in my life, turn out to be yet another lie? Will I be horribly disappointed ... again?

But, my optimistic nature always comes through in the nick of time and saves me from whenever I start down this road of negativity, or what I call my "Tasmanian Devil spin", corkscrewing myself down into the ground with worried, frustrations, and fears. I know this "spirit of joy" that I have is a gift from God. It never fails to pull me out of an emotional tailspin and set me back on a path of reason, ration, and gratitude. And, this spirit of joy reminds me that it is better to live a life full of joy and hope than to be a miserable and selfish person.

Oh, and here's another insight I had this past week: We are all faced with terribly difficult decisions to make. I know my life is a fairy tale compared to others', but I have had my tough moments and gut-wrenching decisions to make. But, now as I look back on those times and choices, I am grateful with how things turned out. And I learned soooooo much during and from those times. I pray that I will do equally well in future conflicts.

I frequently repeat the words of the father who brought his demon-possessed son to Jesus for healing: "I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)